Finding Hela
by Rebis Helaschild
Hela made Herself known to me in September 2013. Despite having read a lot of "comparative religion" in the mid-1990s, including Paganism and Wicca, I don't recall having truly read of Her until two months ago. Perhaps too soon to attempt writing an essay, but I feel I can contribute even at this early stage.
I came upon the Pagan path in July 2013. For most of adulthood (I'm currently mid-40s) my identity was that of an agnostic and secular humanist, with in-depth interest in philosophy, psychology, and science.
In 2005, after reading quite a bit of Carl Jung, I felt drawn to allowing a spiritual experience in my life; focusing upon an Archetype which, Dr. Jung asserted, could lead a person to wholeness. After years of intense health issues involving my husband, I needed emotional healing. And so I "went for it." And got far more than I bargained for. For nearly 7 years, 4 of which were absolutely awful, I was involved in 3 spiritual groups (the third was my husband's). Hostility, gossip, other unforeseen unpleasantries. That is now in the past, but during the worst of it I not only felt repeatedly attacked and nearly killed (psychologically and emotionally - and despite quickly breaking with said groups), but went into a deep depression which resulted in effortlessly shedding three clothing sizes due to anorexia and psychosomatic gastrointestinal troubles. So much anger! And bitterness had crept into my heart. I'd never experienced bitterness before, and it was insidious; didn't know it'd been planted in my heart until having taken firm root. I feared and resented the bitterness, the people and circumstances which had provoked it, which only fueled the bitterness! I did not want bitterness in my heart and life; have seen its destructive power in others.
Fortunately I had enough awareness of the Shadow, as defined by Dr. Carl Jung. And I restudied, made myself more consciously aware of it, consciously worked to dissolve the bitterness, and its root; dissolve it into my massively agitated Shadow. The high-arcing anger must go, too, which it did.
Of course the Shadow remains. And that is where Hela, not surprisingly, comes in and ultimately made me aware of Her.
At the current time, my understanding is that She is twin-aspected. Duality of complement and completion. I've read of Her sacred symbol, the snowflake (Witch's Foot) and Her sacred goose. The Rune which is Haegl; and that Rune image on a Tarot card was the initial draw. First saw it online, via Google images: A twin-aspected Goddess, above a flying goose and a large snowflake. Being originally from a cold northern climate, I was immediately intrigued. Who is this Goddess? And immediately additional information came streaming in. I've set up a small altar in Her honor, and have experienced ongoing interesting "coincidences," such as opening Her shrine page and lighting a cyber-candle, only to next read (via news or unrelated message board) of a woman's viewing her mother-in-law's cremated remains - her detailed impressions, or a YouTube posted "tsunami of geese" in Canada.
Despite all that, I've still not fully embraced the Shadow. My Light side has been dominant throughout life, particularly as I've always loved science. In very early childhood, my babysitters and teens on the block were "hippie kids" of the late 1960s/early 1970s. They left a huge impression. I enjoy wearing bright colors, beads, pin-on flowers; in fact, I thought I was choosing Flora as my Goddess.
Well Hela had other ideas! She will be my Goddess.
I am learning to more fully integrate the Shadow. Mine is plugged into creativity (mostly writing, but some drawing too), and here especially the Shadow plays. Light is learning to let go when necessary, be willing to balance; and most importantly to not be intimidated by nor disdain the Shadow.
Along with Hela's assistance, I've had the pleasure of the friendship of a highly successful and creative person, since May 2012, who is famous for very dark imagery/themes, perversion, death, torture. I will not name him, but the reader can probably guess his identity. In 1987, at a very young adult, I went to see his first feature-length film involving a sinister puzzle box, "demons" from another dimension who inflict both pain and pleasure beyond endurance, and a man who was "torn apart" by his experience. I became a fan, went on to read this man's novels, see his other films, etc. In May 2012, on 2nd day on Twitter, I went to Follow this celebrity author/filmmaker...and in 15 minutes he was Following me back!! After picking myself up off the floor, and being in a state of stunned elation for a week, we had our first very brief personal exchange. He loves encouraging writers and artists; creatives overall. In May 2012, I was still quite numb and "smarting" from the years of being crushed down, worked over, "torn apart" due to the "spiritual experience" which had begun in 2005. I sure felt like the character in my friend's first film! And knew this was not a coincidence. His presence in my life was/is meant to be, and it fueled a happy and healthy return to appetite, wanting to live, picking up pen again and writing - truly writing.
However, from May 2012 until July 2013, I resolved to swear off "spiritual" involvement indefinitely. I'd keep to science (mostly) and philosophy (somewhat) while continuing to heal. I wrote a novel (as yet unpublished; editing still to be done), began and have - to date - written half another.
But in July 2013, the spiritual impulse returned, after being repeatedly tweaked by increased work with the Shadow and its creative (irrational) element, exposure to my friend's vivid visceral paintings and drawings (damn is that man gifted!!), etc. And soon enough, Hela has made Her presence known. Balance is always important, and in October the God Frey took His place in my life and devotions too.
Hela heals. Hela absorbs. Hela comforts. Hela completes.
Whether Hela orchestrated the years-long string of events which crushed, altered, tore apart, so drastically repatterned my life (including notable physical changes - weight loss!) to bring me to this point, or it would have happened anyway and She is present at the end of it, I'm unsure. What I do know is I wouldn't be the person nor writer I am today, otherwise. For that I am grateful (while admitting I don't want to go through such an ordeal ever again!).
My ongoing anger issues are sent to Hela. She absorbs that energy. If pain comes my way, I've learned to endure it (if it can't be made to stop) - particularly emotional or psychological pain. These are gifts from Her to me as well.
