A Discipline of Optimism
by Joshua Tenpenny
The Happiness of every Man depends More upon the State of his own Mind, than upon any one External Circumstance: Nay, more than upon All External Things put together.
– Murray's English Reader, 1828.
Some people say we create our own reality. I don't know if that is true, but certainly we create our own experience of reality. The meanings we attach to events have a greater and more lasting impact on us than the events themselves. What I have learned from Frey is that it is possible to take joy in each moment of life, no matter how painful. We are all still growing and learning, so we often find we are not strong enough or whole enough to reach for that joy. It may be so far beyond our present capabilities that in the moment we cannot fathom how it could be so, but the possibility always exists. Life involves pain, it is just the way of things, but suffering is never mandatory. Frey assures me of this. For a given person, in a given situation, suffering may be unavoidable, but it is never strictly mandatory. Always choose joy, he said to me. Whenever possible, whenever you can see even the smallest glimmer of a choice, choose joy. It wasn’t a command. It was an invitation. It was permission.
Choosing joy is a skill. It can be learned, and with practice, you can get better at it. Some may have more of an aptitude than others, but while I don’t know for certain that everyone could effectively learn these skills, I’m confident a great many people can. You don’t have to be a naturally optimistic person to do this. I certainly wasn’t. Like many people, I was drawn to Frey because his experience of joy and light was something I needed to learn, not something I already had. For a while, it felt as if I was carefully protecting a tiny spark of joy against the crushing darkness within me and around me. Now connecting to that joy feels more like clearing the clouds away from the sun, rather than kindling a fire from nervously guarded coals. The more you apply these skills, the easier it becomes.
Practice continually on small inconsequential things, and over time, you’ll find that you can apply these skills to progressively larger issues. Practice is essential. You wouldn’t try to run a marathon with no preparation, then decide you just aren’t cut out for running based on that one failed attempt. So if you are in the aftermath of some great personal tragedy, it is not reasonable to expect to master this all at once, or to fault yourself for being unable to. While it is theoretically possible to learn how to choose joy under such circumstances, it requires such a radical shift of consciousness that few people can manage it. So start small, when you are not in a state of acute crisis, and you stand a much better chance of making progress. If you would like to experiment with how a discipline of optimism can change your life, here are a handful of practices to try.
Practice One: Let go of suffering.
Most of us face small challenges in the course of our day that are well within our capabilities to handle, but we let them get to us anyway. Have you ever said something like, “I have the right to be angry at her!” Certainly, you do. You have that right. But no matter how badly she hurt you, you are never obligated to be angry at her. Perhaps at that moment, you are so immersed in that anger that you can’t see your way clear of it, but eventually the acute pain-driven anger will subside, and you’ll be able to get a little perspective on the issue. At some point, your personal resources will be greater than the anger, and you will be capable of releasing that anger. Then you get to choose. Will you remain angry? Will you continue to suffer over this wrong? Or will you let it go? Just asking yourself these questions can begin to loosen the grip the emotion has on you and the grip you have on the emotion. If you think the other person doesn’t “deserve” forgiveness, please understand that your anger and resentment will cause you infinitely more suffering than it will ever cause them. If you must put your energy into the situation, put your energy into fixing the problem, not into feeding your anger. It is the same for sorrow, for grief, for jealousy. When you are able to let them go, do it! Don’t try to force the feelings away, just stop holding on to them. Stop identifying with the emotions, and realize you are not obligated to feel them. Stop choosing to suffer when you don’t have to.
Practice Two: Don’t encourage failure.
Even if you don’t consider yourself a pessimistic person, you may find you respond to the minor annoyances of life with an ironic sense of humor that identifies unfortunate circumstances as more likely than fortunate ones. “There was a big pile of dog poop in the middle of the sidewalk, and I was wearing my new shoes, so of course I stepped right in it!” If pressed, most people would say they don’t “mean anything” by statements like this, that they are just joking, and they don’t actually believe they are statistically more likely to step in poop when wearing new shoes. Comments like this, whether said aloud or internally, can be a way of releasing tension over an upsetting situation. However, recognize that you are sending yourself repeated messages that the more important something is to you, the more likely it is to go wrong. Stopping this habit can be a way of focusing your attention on maintaining a more genuinely optimistic frame of mind.
Practice Three: Enjoy ordinary things.
Throughout your day, look for things you usually don’t take much notice of, and deliberately try to enjoy them. Things don’t have to be extraordinary to be enjoyable. It isn’t as if you need to save up your enjoyment for a special occasion. In fact, try thinking of it the opposite way. What if at any random moment, you had to pick something—anything—in your present environment to enjoy? Can you find something? Some object that is nice to look at. Some pleasant sensation. Some person you can cultivate positive emotions towards. If this prompts you to add more enjoyable things to your daily routine, wonderful, but also try to enjoy what is already there. Challenge yourself to expand your concept of what is enjoyable. If the weather is even remotely pleasant, can you think to yourself that it is a beautiful day? Can you enjoy the completely ordinary sandwich you have for lunch? Reject “gourmet consciousness” which only enjoys the best of the best, and enjoy the normal good things of everyday life. I don’t mean to encourage a lazy “close enough, good enough” mentality, with lower and lower standards. There is value in pursuing perfection, but you can still enjoy the countless imperfect things you encounter along the way.
Practice Four: Look for the reason. Look for the lesson.
Sometimes challenging things happen to us for a reason. They help us grow. They point us in the right direction when we were headed the wrong way. They show us something about ourselves. They give us compassion for others. Sometimes we struggle with the pain of life’s natural transitions and limitations. Sometimes a terrible thing just happens with no reason, and it isn’t about us at all. No matter what the “real” reason is, whether there is one reason or twenty or none at all, when you are faced with a situation that brings up negative emotions, speculate about how you would feel if these same circumstances were due to some beneficial reason that is not immediately obvious. The practice here isn’t to attempt to discern the reason, but to open your mind and heart to the possibility that a reason might exist. This can help you to understand, on a deep intuitive level, that your emotional response to most situations is based on your interpretation of the reasons and meanings behind a situation, and is not an unavoidable direct consequence of that situation. I’m reluctant to retell the old story about the man whose horse ran away, but if you can think about times when a seemingly bad situation really did work out for the best, this can help get you into the right mindset. You can also look at the situation and ask yourself, “If there was a lesson here, if this situation were arranged to teach me something, what might that be?” or “What would have to change within me for this situation not to bother me as much?” Even if this circumstances wasn’t divinely arranged as some kind of learning experience for you, you can still take the opportunity to grow and change and learn.
Practice Five: Find someone who benefits.
If some circumstance doesn’t work out well for you, try thinking lovingly about how someone else might have benefitted from your misfortune. This one is a tricky one, so don’t force it. Just allow yourself to be open to the idea. Start small. Perhaps the person you let in line in front of you at the bakery got the last chocolate cake. Can you find a way to genuinely share joy in their good fortune? Imagine what it would be like if your immediate instinctive response was to share their joy rather than thinking of your own loss. It is easier when it is someone we care about who benefits, so some spiritual traditions suggest acting as if everyone you encounter is your mother, or your child, or your beloved. If you develop a loving compassion towards all people, you can cultivate this feeling towards complete strangers.
Practice Six: Bless the people who trouble you.
When someone does something hurtful, they are often acting out of their own pain and damage. Can you have compassion for them, rather than anger? Can you imagine being in a situation where you’d do something similar to what they have done? It is often circumstances of desperation, fear, and need that lead to hurtful actions. Can you pray for this person? Can you pray that they find relief from whatever has troubled them, and that they find the strength to act with compassion despite their challenging circumstances? When faced with someone whose actions are so hateful that we cannot relate to their motivations, can you feel a genuine sorrow for this person’s situation, and a sincere wish that they find some way to a happy, fulfilled place where such actions are as unthinkable to them as they are to you? Remember that you can act against hateful actions without joining in the hate.
These are just a few suggestions. They are tools, not rules. If you are facing a situation that overwhelms your personal resources and you aren’t able to approach it with any optimism, don’t feel guilty about it and don’t give up. It is okay to be imperfect! I recently faced a situation that was way too much for me to handle. I tried to have a good attitude, but I was just miserable the whole time. Afterwards, I prayed about it. I apologized to Frey for failing at my discipline of optimism. The feeling I got was something like “Don’t be silly. This is for your own benefit, not mine, so why apologize to me?” Again I was reminded that this is not a command. It is an invitation. So if this path calls to you, give it a try.